Standing With Ourselves: A Human Approach to Self-Compassion
by Dr. Bloodine Barthelus
There is a quiet revolution that happens when we decide to stand with ourselves.
Not perform.
Not prove.
Not push through.
But stand, rooted in who we are, even when it’s uncomfortable.
In a recent conversation on the Embodied Change Podcast with Dr. Kathryn Kennedy and Dr. Ally Skoog-Hoffman, we explored what self-compassion truly means beyond the buzzword. What emerged was not a soft cliché. It was something braver. More embodied. More human.
From Other-Authored to Self-Authored
I grew up in a vibrant Haitian immigrant household, one of six daughters, raised under the steady hand of a powerful matriarch. In a home shaped by high expectations and clear boundaries, it was easy to disappear into the role of who I was supposed to be. Later, the world outside our doors echoed the same message: perform well, move up, serve, succeed.
Somewhere along the way, many of us begin living other-authored lives.
We center expectations.
We absorb scripts.
We perform strength.
Standing with ourselves means shifting to a self-authored life.
It means asking:
Do I like who I’m being right now?
Is this aligned with the story I want to write about myself?
Am I choosing this, or reacting to expectation?
These are not easy questions. They require stillness, curiosity, and courage.
Why Self-Compassion Is So Hard
For many women, especially daughters of immigrants, caregivers, and leaders, strength becomes identity. Reliability becomes pride. Being “the strong one” becomes familiar.
But here’s the tension:
If I am always steady for everyone else, when does steadiness ever get to be for me?
We are rarely modeled self-compassion. We are modeled service, achievement, endurance.
Self-compassion can feel selfish, indulgent, weak.
It is none of those things.
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three core elements:
Mindful Awareness – Naming where you are without judgment.
Self-Kindness – Asking, “What do I need right now?”
Common Humanity – Remembering you are not alone in struggle.
That last piece, common humanity, is often the most healing because it brings in the shared experience of the collective. We are reminded that we are not the only ones carrying hard things. We are just often the only ones pretending we aren’t.
When Self-Compassion Becomes Real
For me, self-compassion stopped being theory when I lost my dog, Ryder.
He had been my companion through an entire decade of life, career transitions, motherhood, becoming an empty nester. When he passed suddenly, I told myself I’d take the weekend to grieve and then return to work.
But I couldn’t. I physically could not get out of bed. That was my moment of reckoning.
Why was I forcing myself to perform business as usual? I work for myself. No one was demanding I push through, no one except me.
So I asked:
Can I show up fully today? No. Then I won’t.
I canceled meetings. I told the truth. And what came back wasn’t judgment; rather, it was compassion, stories, shared grief, humanity.
In allowing myself space, I softened. And so did others.
I learned that when we treat ourselves gently, we invite the world to do the same.
Self-Compassion Is Not Giving Up
Let’s be clear: self-compassion is not lowering standards. It is not disengagement. It is not selfishness.
It is refusing to abandon yourself.
It is understanding that you cannot pour endlessly from an empty vessel.
It is recognizing that saying no externally is sometimes the deepest yes internally.
And it is remembering that identity is not static. You are allowed to evolve. To renegotiate. To change how you show up. To adjust based on what is currently taking up space in your life.
Strength does not have to mean rigidity.
The Body Knows
Self-compassion is not just cognitive. It is embodied.
You feel it in your shoulders when they finally drop.
In your breath when it deepens.
In the tremble that releases after you’ve been holding it together.
We shared stories of grief, cancer diagnoses, lost pets…and what struck me most was this:
When we allowed ourselves to feel, instead of override, something shifted physically. We became softer. More spacious. More present. More connected.
Self-compassion is not a grand gesture. It is a series of small permissions.
Permission to rest.
Permission to grieve.
Permission to change.
Permission to be human.
When we stand with ourselves, we create space for others to do the same.
And that, quietly, yet boldly…changes everything.
Listen to my episode with Dr. Kathryn Kennedy and Dr. Ally Skoog-Hoffman on the Embodied Change podcast.